2020, late 20s

Foxes are howling tonight
Or is this people, empty bottles
And pills, the smell of urine,
Chaos in evaporated form,
As I walk one more time around the block
What’s the time today, when is it
not
Danger o’clock,
A mask, a glove, broken glass,
A delivery man
Collecting sushi, Saturday night,
They said,
another one waved at me, chin up,
I was dressed in all black,
My hair a greasy mess, five inches longer
Than it should be, mood
blacker than ever,
A black couple, smiling, holding hands,
I read the poster they are reading
‘I am black therefore I am’,
I think that
They always tell me I shouldn’t think,
Therefore I am, the more you
Think the less
You are, don’t let yourself get angry
Just keep posting on that wall, numb,
‘Black lives matter’ but only
For one day, while it’s trending,
No feelings threatened to be harmed,
No change threatened to occur,
Everything is important until it’s
Right there, real, raw,
The ‘others’ are fine until they
Come knocking on your country’s door,
The ‘others’ are fine until you are
Scared and lonely and looking
To decipher this mess
It’s always someone else’s mess,
Like when you are almost 30
And still not know who you are,
Like when you are almost 30
And scared to not lose what you have,
Scared to be who you are.
If London were a human, he would be a man. Mid-20s, athletic,
running, drinking,
Working himself to the ground,
Sleeping less and less, thrill-seeker
Money-loving, half loveless child
Half adult waiting to be loved.
If London were a human we would
No longer be a match. I, a woman,
In my late 20s, mostly thinking,
Peace-seeking, mostly knowing
I am still waiting myself to love me.
Where I’m from I am expected
To abide. To blend in.
To be young but not too young,
To party, to win but not (try) too hard,
To live my life but only by their book,
To live my life but not by my book.
Where I’m from I am expected
To love children
but also easy money,
To love family
But also the easy life that only those
Who do not
Think
Deserve.
Late 20s and I am confused as hell.
The world is turning upside down
And all I can do is change sides
In bed.
Eat chocolate, wash my hands
And pray for the best.
2020 and this world is confused as hell.
My friend said I should forgive and forget.
But I read somewhere, ‘not everything
That’s faced can be changed,
But nothing can be changed until it’s faced’.
My book said this was James Baldwin
And I thought he must have been a wise man.
****
2020, late 20s.
I am confused as hell, friend.
This is it, I confess.
Late 20s and I am more confused
Than when I was 19.
I admit and
This is
my catharsis,
friend.
****
2020, late 20s.
Something has changed cause
I am confused enough
To be willing to take
My bets.