Category Archives: Uncategorized

Tango of processes

We are not made of time

But processes.

Our DNA a slow dance of cells

Regenating themselves

And making mistakes in

This rejuvenation process.

Our life an endless dance

Around the axis of our

All-assuming ego,

A preoccupation with flesh

And nails and hair follicles,

With all processes visible and

External,

An exaggerated attachment

To our unique identity, a number,

Our search for ourselves,

A solemn hymn of survival,

Our soul and everything that’s ours, ours

To hold, a process of

Passion for life

transforming

To and from addiction,

A procession

Of unintended thoughts,

unconscious

Actions, a muscle

spasm, an eye twitch,

an optical illusion,

These tricks our mind pulls,

Ceaselessly, seamlessly,

To convince us we are more worthy

Of survival

Than these myriads

Of mystical ‘other’ creatures.

A tango to the music of matter,

Ignorance and conviction.

Travel Notes: Peru

To spend 25 soles, stuck in a taxi to Lima’s main square, watching tired faces waving bottles of water in their swollen, dirty hands. Same words formed on their dry lips as they move, zig zag, pollution to pollution, window to window.

To watch the sunset kiss the foreheads of young lovers as they kiss in front of majestic cathedrals and generic
governmental buildings,

to realise most of our lives’ sunsets are spent counting money slipping
through our hands,
to realise that what we’ll all count,
before going to bed,
are the times, the myriad ways we were passionately kissed

By lovers and the pulse, the rhythm,

the lights of every city we have walked
and crossed the streets of,
vaguely thought of in the haze of our dreams.

***

To walk across the sandy beach
of sleepy Paracas, wondering if there’s
much left to do other than smell
the slow cooking of octopus,
the punch of salt sweeping the coast,
other than listen to latin music

On repeat,

The arrhythmic sound of amateur fireworks
scarying the town’s stray dogs,
other than tuning in to this
endless summer, a long nostalgic trip
to childhood summers, feet dirty
from running barefoot, hair still wet,
the slow consumption of ice cream,
the slowing down of the vanity of thoughts.

***

To take a ride on a shaky boat
to the shores of the Ballestas islands
of birds
And sea lions and penguins, no humans,
to lose a hat in the ocean’s wild wind
and watch an equal number of cell phones
rise up in the sky as birds’ wings,
to realise humans are the real invaders,

The parasites that demand space
and resources way beyond their needs,
Strange creatures whose towering egos
Overshadow oceans, species and herds,

The vastness of waves, climate change,
tsunamis and temperamental storms.

***

To ride through the desert and realise
most of us don’t even take a break
from documenting our conquests,
all the places we have been in,
most of us don’t stop fixing stray hairs
and dusty jeans,
most of us won’t stop to watch the reflection
of the drowning sun in the mirrors of

The distant oasis

that’s gone a bit rusty and gloomy now,
cloudy, like our own perceptions
of what it is we need,
locked in a box,
saved in the archives of our phones
that will be flooded with tomorrow’s
images soon, replaced by a later model
of the same
attention-grabbing tiny little robot soon.

Everything’s saved in a cloud these days
apart from the way the colour,
the irregular shape, the unpredictability of the desert
has made us feel once upon a time,
the brief fairytale of a moment

That will be forgotten soon.

***

To watch the scorching sun
light up the Nazca lines and all the world’s mysteries,
a long ride along windy roads,
small graves decorating sharp bends,
so many bones forgotten underneath the earth

Yet Inti, the sun of God, still rises,

Yet we, Humans, still rise,

I watch the man across me in the bus
sleeping, his baby daughter
peacefully sleeping in the warmth
of his arms.

***

To wake up after a long bus ride,
neck sore, tongue white, eyes burning,
muscles fast asleep, short of breath,
in the pebbled streets of what seems
a somewhat familiar, nearly European city,
a worn out Florence, the bitter history
of a nation weighing on its shoulders,
Hidden behind its colourful walls,
the pristine architecture of the city’s
monastery, an outcast of a city

And I feel like we and the psyche
of this place have a lot in common.
To spend a late afternoon
on a pretty terrace, sharing
Coffee and stories, waiting for the perfect pink sunset,

Only to find the sun playfully hidden
behind clouds,
to hear a foreign language and realise
its our own,
to miss our home and find each other
because what’s home
if not the comfort
of knowing, we would be happy to watch
each other grow old.

***

To be struck in awe and wonder
by the grandeur of mountains that tower
way beyond our eyes can reach,
to feel a knot in our stomach,
a heavy parasite climbing the walls of our intestines and still climb up,
seduced by the varieties of cacti
and herbs,

The sharp, menacing edges of ancient stones and Inka ruins,
victims of the fire that runs in our blood
when we watch other, foolish humans,
Climbing to destruction,
in sharp, confident steps.

The red tape and skull stamps at the top
Of the mountain
make the journey all the more appealing,
when we make it back to ground level,

I take another look at the proud,

round faces of the indigenous people, short, chunky calves underneath colourful garments, threads and weaves and uninterpreteable signs,

I feel an immense respect for this harshness and simplicity
of life that I don’t fully comprehend,
the grandeur of a foreign way of life,

Closer to nature,

Closer to everything that matters,

Closer to everything and nothing.

***

To watch the older kids overtake you
while you are gasping for air,
crawling across uneven ground,
the paralysing fear of being blown away
by wind or a small mistake on your part,
A man says the descent will be easier and I should put away my water battle,
grapple, hold onto dear life
with both hands,

And I think to myself,

We travel to feel young again,
to realise we are always older than we think,
For our thoughts to find the space,
the time to roam free,
to get sick in foreign lands
Then miss the comfort of our own skin,
to feel the fragility of our own bodies,

The way fluids flow through our veins, our organs,

the way we breathe, bones cracking,

fingers grasping, feet firmly,

Sometimes not so firmly, meeting the earth.

The earth will be here long after we are gone,

The stones will outlive us,

All.

***

San Cristobal square.
To watch Cusco, a miracle of a city,
showing its tentacles of life,
Brick houses spreading along
The hillsides of these enourmous mountains,
The striking clarity of air,
Deep, long breaths,
the distant voice of a traveller,
explaining what we see in the distance,
Qorikancha, the temple of the sun,
miniatures of people strolling
in the main square.
I watch the city go on from above,
I let my legs hang from the edge
of the pebbled wall, I swing them round,
I let the silence of my mind speak.
I wonder if that’s what it feels,
For a second,
To be god
or – at least – in peace,
This meditative state of mind
finally achieved.

Halloween

A moment of silence for the dead hours you’ve spent navigating the whys and hows of people leaving your life, without an exit warning, the stark difference between what there once was and the skeleton of what now is. Not that your exit sign isn’t flashing, saying ‘hey you are always welcome to stay, but I’ll still love you if you leave’, but how many of us do you know who can feel with the same intensity, an unwavering flame, in absence. How many of them, the ‘leaving kind’, do you know who would reciprocate, the same number of dead hours, to think of you back.

A moment of silence for the dead hours you’ve spent so far strategising over the hours, the days, the years to come. Not to say that what isn’t here may never come, but circumstances like to distort themselves sometimes and yes, that’s not your fault, but you’ll have no choice in the end but to adapt. Because life sweeps you off your feet on good days, on bad days, when you thought you had it sorted, when you thought the bed bugs don’t bite, when you thought the bed was empty and cold, when you had already comfortably accepted the cosiness of loneliness, when you had happily accepted your defeat.

A moment of silence for the dead hours spent mourning for dead hours. I know I am telling you (scary) stories here, but after this moment of silence is gone, you still have time, the choice, to let it all go.

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Image credits:

Katsushika Hokusai

Title:The Ghost of Kohada Koheiji, from the series One Hundred Ghost Stories (Hyaku monogatari)

Thoughts after fires

Hot July this one and fires are blazing across a bleeding Athens. Images of grey smoke over Parthenon pollute every TV screen, wounded dogs scanning acres and acres of land turned into this trail of ashes, the scanning, swollen faces of those too close to flames, not close enough to go missing, faces swollen, swollen by smoke and agony and tears, when dreams, livelihoods are burned, ashes, livelihoods turned upside down, nothing remains but tears. I change channels but nothing (ever) changes, another journalist in a bold haircut and grey suit appears. It’s a grey, hot July, somewhere close to home not close enough to feel like home.

Yet it’s the cold, sarcastic tone of a colleague’s ‘kind regards’ that brings me closest to tears. The apathy of the sender who types, sends then disappears. The silence of the arsonist behind the keyboard, the way people fire words, with no regrets, into this void space of the internet, the way people fire words like missiles into the known world of what they’ve labelled to themselves as the ‘unknown’. The way our preoccupation with ‘self’ clouds what would have otherwise been crystal clear judgment, the way it engulfs collaborative instinct in deception. Deception may be a powerful tool, but delusion is a much more powerful weapon in the end that we all think – deluded as we are – that we own. I fired words, carelessly, this lazy, hot summer, in my mum’s direction. Seems we were both just careless enough to fuel each other’s emotions passed boiling point and, it’s true, it’s possible, destruction sometimes begins with very good intentions.

Hot July this one and when the fires are over, I am in a fully airconditioned car, making my way to the airport, on my way to rainy London, when I hear the act was intentional, the radio is catching fire with suspicions of a criminal act of no ethical dimension. My dad and I pause our deep conversations for a second, these impassioned debates about the fallacy of money and my deflated dreams of making it big in the legal profession. There’s so many things bigger than us, dad, and justice’s never served and I feel like a 17-year-old rebel again, handicapped by age and my well-sheltered upbringing. Dad, this is not where I wanted to be, this is not where I intended to be going. And dad, are your hands still clean, if you do not spark the fires but still remain complicit in the crime. And if we all watch the smoke from afar, is it because we are too small to make a difference or is it because we know we can choke in smoke if we get close enough to matter.

With my limited knowledge and clouded judgment, it seems that the absence of conscience should be as good as an element of crime as the presence of motive.

Defining love

Defining love.
Through the eyes of a not-so-depressed-really and why-are-you-so-surprised lover of poetry and all things of abstract beauty.
***
They say to define is to limit.
All my day job really is, well (*drum roll*),
defining for a living. Searching for certainty, only to carve out uncertainty in ways that still leave the greatest questions misunderstood,
unanswered.
***
In these late Saturday night hours, perhaps the only ones left to attempt to define the things that matter,
here I am.
Reaching out for you, a feeble victim of uncertainty, this fable of love leaving me in tears and confusion.
***
To know that to you poetry is truly just for those unfortunate outliers,
Barely balancing on their tiptoes between happiness and loneliness, ecstasy and emptiness, always on the margin.
To know you don’t know that I am no more than a ‘poet-gone-wrong turned-lawyer-instead’ if only you dared to peel off the layers that camouflage my being.
To know you don’t know and still love you.
Love you, still.
And isn’t that what love is.

Travel Notes: Indonesia

Quirky little cafe in Djogja.There’s always somewhere a Sartre quote on a wall, even in the most spiritual, even in the most religious of places. Because both the rich and the poor stumble and crawl sometimes and neither money nor the burning sun nor those cunning little gods can fill the void.

****

Campuhan ridge walk. Can you hold my hand? ‘Here, let me hold that soul for you’. The mind is still the darkest, most dense jungle I have ever known. Despite the insects, the rattling sounds, the monkeys, the monkey mind is still the wildest animal we’ll ever know. I told you once that ‘you brought me peace when my whole body was a gun’. I was not being original but I was certainly being honest. I want you to know that my mind will be pointing its gun at times, its venomous tongue will bite you through these bitter, tangled words of mine. Please, promise, that on those days, you’ll still kiss the hell out of me, still kiss the bitterness out of my mouth. Promise to bring me peace when my mind is a gun. I promise I will open that cage where you hide your wild soul, I promise to dance and laugh and cry with you until you release these artificial barriers we all put up sometimes, until you release the tension. I promise to set your soul free, then hold it for you if needed.

****

Canggu. We complain about pollution, but what are we but ignorant, self-important, disengaged tourists. What are we, then, but visual pollution. Nature fights back. Always. Its dogs will chase you and bark at you at night just when you think you are -finally- in familiar, well-lit, well-trodden places. Its roosters will keep you on your feet, remind you that you do not control the earth, that you do not control the time with your fake alarms, stolen dreams and deadlines.

****

Vinyasa. Enjoy this (soul) flow. Inhale, exhale, hold your breath for one, two, three, ten. Accept that the nature of your own mind is simply that it wanders. Accept that constant change is the only state of nature for the mind. That life goes on even when your mind wanders down these illusive memory lanes of time.

They say that not all those who wander are lost. Yet why are so many travellers scared to be touched, body or soul, by another human. I think that, subconsciously, we all want to keep drifting. Change is the only state that we accept as the truth and maybe that’s why we feel safer in detachment.

****

Prambanan temple. We skipped towards sunlight, only our shadows captured in the lens of your camera. I jumped and you caught me in your arms and, for a moment, even though strangers in a foreign land, we both felt safe. For a moment, I suspended my disbelief in love and all things manmade, my fear in falling. I ran fast and aimlessly, my lungs filled with the freedom of not knowing where this will end or where we are heading. For a moment, I loved you in the way all things are to be loved. The way we should all love this wild nature we won’t ever understand, this wondrous chaos that constitutes our mind, this mystic, inconceivable world of our own soul and that of other humans. For a moment in time, balancing in your arms, I was still, we were perfectly balanced.

Your camera, slightly more perfect us, thankfully captured this otherwise fleeting moment.

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Travel notes: Berlin

Pergamon museum. These Babylon gates
Must have clearly only led to chaos.
I watched people frantically circling
Around ornaments and rocks,
Taking pictures of misplaced walls.
I felt misplaced. Like these long lost treasures,
No details in the history, only labels now,
Brief, uninformative, deceiving,
Just like these long lost treasures
Trapped inside concrete walls.
Still, there’s incredible structure in chaos,
The undefinable beauty of not knowing
(Yet living anyway),
Of not knowing where you belong.

Kreuzberg. We searched for ‘edge’.
The punks, the artists, the bohemian heroes
One can only find in books and songs,
These elegies to the rebellious spirit
That seems to stay
underground, subdued and lost,
we only found ourselves
Lost.
We drank tea and ate hummus instead.
Because when we can’t find what we’re looking for,
We consume, because in the absence of meaning – don’t we all –
We tend to consume
To forget.

Mauer park. I felt at peace, spending the day alone,
Amongst piles of old stuff.
I contemplated, what is it that makes us feel
So comfortable amongst things we don’t need,
these mountains of useless information,
Overused mugs, pictures of unknown faces from the ’50s, the ’60s (and – really – I ain’t quite
sure about that), old cameras turned lamps,
Obscure badges, boxes, handmade fridge magnets,
Patchy, messy artwork, sketchbooks and misused dreams.
I had time to contemplate for once.
Soak in the melancholy of this wide grey sky
That casts its shadow above us all,
The buskers, the artists, the lawyers,
The street cleaners, the bankers,
The poets of this world.
Don’t we all end up in places we’d never thought
We belonged, don’t we all wear suits, masks
We don’t fit in,
Aren’t we all just someone else’s memoirs
Now carelessly transferred to foreign cities
In a box.

The Berlin Wall. The distance between us.
The death strip is the distance between two
Ideologies, the measure of ignorance
Keeping two otherwise sharp minds apart.
The time it takes for a kind gesture
To travel the distance left by
Thoughts when they have become corrupted.
The death strip is the danger zone
Of frozen silence,
The distance between our egos
When they stand so tall, above us all,
When they stand so tall,
they have built themselves (and us) into a wall.

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Adult life

Dear co-traveller,

Here’s the thing.
No one’s going to force feed you greens
when you’ve forgotten to take your vitamins.
No one’s going to fill the empty fridge,
the window sill
with blooming flowers,
No one’s going to stop the howling
wind, the empty spaces that always find
their way in, those skilled-at-being-friendly
Intruders.
And no one’s going to sew that hole
in your jeans, the wounds, the holes,
your heart’s old wounds

And

Bills don’t pay themselves,
plants won’t water themselves,
dishes won’t wash themselves,
Hearts don’t mend themselves
these days

unless

unless you get dirty
unless you get working
unless you get mending
what’s yours and worthy
and deserving enough to be
fixed.

***

Here’s the thing, co-traveller.
If you keep falling and waiting,
falling and wanting
If you keep falling like a pin
on a map
like a pin landing on his map
whenever he is lonely enough
to call you
back
If you keep falling like that
into his arms,
No one’s going to lift you up

unless

you stand up.

***

Here’s the thing co-traveller.
That picture of her from your last trip
that picture of him kissing your cheek
won’t be erased from your memory
if you keep scrolling like that
scrolling through memoirs
the remnants of happy days
this torture of happy days on sad days
won’t end

unless

you bring it to an end.

***

Dear co-traveller,

The pills don’t always work,
and the doctors, the ice cream,
the friends, the music, the cheese
don’t always put you at ease,
All the popcorn and butter
won’t end
your heart’s melt
and sometimes you’ll be cool on the outside
but burning within
and sometimes you’ll be brave on the outside
but empty within
and sometimes you just won’t have the words
to tell the world where it hurts and
the medicine, the makeup, the mask
won’t cover the mess,

sometimes this mess is all there is,

This adult life throwing its buckets of lemons at you,
one by
one,
on your delicate, confused head.

So forgive yourself.
For the heartache,
the mind-ache, whatever it is,
for this mess you are in.

***

Child, you should have known better.
Cry, forget
then laugh it all off.

rudy francisco quote

Silver linings (In grey cities)

Köln with its grey, harsh, gothic beauty. The overwhelming sight of one more bridge with infinite locks, a cynic’s reminder that in love there’s imperfection and hope.

***

When we made it to the other side of the birdge at last, through (other people’s) love stories (some of which I am sure didn’t last), when we made it through the bridge at last, you asked ‘(Melancholy aside), what’s the silver lining, there must be a silver lining still in decisions of the past, those that cannot be undone.’
‘Sometimes melancholy is all there is, no silver lining, no right way to sugar coat what is, no reason to paint white what’s red and grey and black. Sometimes all you can do is cross that bridge, sometimes the best you can do is simply just walk through.’

***

Fast forward three days and you are no longer here, I changed the bedsheets too, they no longer smell of (me and) you. Fast forward three days and you are no longer holding me, you are not holding me in the only way that can keep me warm, the only way that can keep me safe and sane and calm and warm at night. Fast forward and I am still paying my duties at my office job, still trying to make sense of it all, drinking lukewarm coffee, brewing tea, killing time, pressed for time, still thinking of you, the time not spent with you.

Fast forward and I am cycling home from work, late at night, still cold, still thinking of you.

Still thinking. Sometimes the silver lining is knowing we had the whole sky once, at once. Sometimes the silver lining is knowing that for a moment we had the whole starry night, even if we didn’t know it back then, even if we didn’t think back then that it was enough. Sometimes the silver lining is the crack left in our hearts when we are too broken to believe we can let the light in, we can still let the love in, even if only for a moment, even when we know that the fireworks (probabilistically) don’t last. Sometimes the silver lining is the leap of faith we take for this beautiful illusion of love, the planes we catch to touch, hairs, lips, private parts, the planes we catch to hold hands, to dream of a future together even when reality comes knocking us back to the ground.

***

The silver lining is the smooth line your hesitant smile carves on your face. Your right cheek as I watch it turn pink from above. The lines that spring at the corners of your eyes when (I make) you laugh your heart out. The lines my hands draw on your back, the single line our bodies merge into when we have mastered the perfect back hug, the perfect silence, no noises, just words that do not need to be said, the whole wide sea of emotions, swimming (as I like to do) in your eyes.

***

London.
With its dazzling lights and millions of unrecognisable, half elated half exhausted (maybe one third lost if I am honest) people. London, 2018. A vast city, a promise it will be ‘us’ this time, not us by-passing millions of them to find each other, a  promise of ‘more, more, I wanna have more (of you)’, our common dreams and worries, your camera, my (pretty, pretty painful) words, a vast city yet you’ll be the world I’d (mostly) want to travel.

***

And if we put all this mind travelling aside, the places, the loneliness, the distances, this obsession with spaces and gaps (in the way our relationship evolves), the fear of losing you aside, this is a reminder that you can lose yourself searching for silver linings only to find that if you look behind there’s the line, only to find that if you just fast forward time, there you’ll be again, holding what mattered all along close to you, the whole starry night by your side, staring the sky you once had and lost in the eye. A full circle, the same starry sky, seen from a slightly different angle now, this time in all its glorious beauty.

***

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Voicemail to myself

*Self, you got a message. Dial 121. From: Self, at: 08:08 a.m. To save this message press ‘heart’.*

This is for the days when your mind is so much  bigger than you that it is an enitre ocean of toxic waves and you are drowning in thoughts. This is for the days when you are swimming through thoughts thinking that there must be something, someone above you, holding a bucket of water and tears, diluted fears, pouring the bucket all over you whenever you get close to the shore.

This is for the days when moving through life feels like navigating a giant chessboard, and you are just a pawn, and wherever you think you move to you know you’ve been moved to and wherever you’ve been moved to you know you’ll be swallowed up. This is for the days when the rules of the game mean that your emotions are holding you hostage to the masters of the mind, those masterful intruders who move the strings, only with words, who move the strings so artfully that they can instantly make you feel less than you are worth.

This is for the days when you need to be told that you are not alone, and that I believe in you (even if no one else does) and that whatever hurts must be real and that whatever’s real can still come to an end and that that’s a good thing. This is for the days that I need to tell you that the mere truth that everything comes to an end is a beautiful thing to know. That there’s peace in knowing you can make this all stop, the loops, the hoops you set yourself up then jump through, the thoughts, the loops, the hoops. And because it means you can still swim on, move (on), flex your muscles, your mind and say ‘no, I will not be defeated by you, this is not where I end and you begin and this is not the end I choose for myself’.

This is for the days that I forgot to say I love you. This is for the days that, I know, no one will pick you up from the dirt unless you pick yourself up. This is for the days that to stand on your two feet is a big feat and I am here to both love you and taunt you (but not wound you) until you get up.

Come on, old friend, you’ve indulged enough in this tragedy, it’s time to stand up.

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